Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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