My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish my penis had a tongue
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
