if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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