Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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