So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
