Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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