All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
