I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
