she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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