my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
