it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
