in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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