so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The struggles of a small town man whore
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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