if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
