we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
