When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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