Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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