Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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