Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
