In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
