So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
false alarm. still invincible.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
