I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
