problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
