All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
