After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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