do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
