As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
