4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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