ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
