Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
