Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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