my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
