Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
