The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
