I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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