your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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