Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
