You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
