We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
