I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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