My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
