Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
