Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
