this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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