i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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