we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My ATM looks so different sober.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
