just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
