That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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