He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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