She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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