It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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