She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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