i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
