sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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